Saturday, September 15, 2012

Prince Hairy

So. One night, Back in the day, I got home from work. It was gorgeous outside and I didn't know what my plans were, but I knew I should plan nothing because that's when great things happen. Im the phone, coaching someone on how to deal with a psychotic employee. And my phone is beeping there's someone on the other line. I know who it's gonna be ... Because it feels like this friend and I have some kind of weird intuition thing .... I disconnect and see who called. Yay I am the luckiest girl in the world.

So. I know I always say that. If I say it enough it may happen. There's a theory about that. Let's take a little side step. It's my ADD. Intuition, willing things to happen, ESP, life after death, blah blah blah. The most surreal thing that ever happened to me when I was a kid was .... Mom used to call us and say ... girls we want your dad to do XYZ so chant it over and over and we will see if it happens. And it usually worked. We only used our dark magic for really important things ... Like bewitching my Dad into coming home with KFC. Woot woot.

So. Back to the story. This friend, who I feel like I've known forever, is a young buck. Lol. That's what men that I know call him when we are out together. So (insert name here) how's your young 
buck. I say stfu he's not my young buck he's my future husband. No I don't really say that. I might think it. I don't Say it out loud. I have more discretion than that. Ha. 

So.  Where am I going with this. Good question. Let's be honest. All my stories are true. Sad but true. So why stop now. So this young buck, I mean fiancĂ©, ooops I mean stud ...he needs a name. Let's call him Harry. Cause he really is a prince and he's sort of hairy. Did you know, incidentally, that hairy men, back hair included, are very good in bed? Just sayin. 

So.  My God I didn't take my meds this morning. I'm kidding. Or am I ? Who's to say. So Harry calls. Yay luckiest girl in the world. I feel like a princess when I'm around Harry. (had to say it ) he's sweet he's smart he's artistic, he is musical, he's gentlemanly - but only when he should be, he's romantic, he's chivalrous, he's HOT AS F@&$/@&$& Sorry Tourette's. He comes and picks me up. We go to an outdoor seating area and in our usual style we drink and we smoke and we smoke and we drink and we drink and we drink and we drink oh then we smoke. Normally there is dancing intermingled in there but we drank hard core really fast out of the gate so when it came time to dance, well we just were to wasted to bother. Just to be frank. We went bar hopping a little bit, we stopped and I got a piano concert, it was awesome. We had deep discussions as usual. We encourage each other and listen to each other and basically we understand each other. Harry is a friend I love. This is my litmus test. Harry is the only man in the world that I love, and would still love, even if his penis fell off. I mean the romantic love for a man, not a relative you sickos. So again where am I going with this. 

So. The night is ending, Harry is exhausted reasonably so, and abruptly says (insert my name here) I need to go home. He throws a couple smokes on the table, hugs me goodbye and goes home. I say why, why don't you stay, he says nope gotta go. I am drunk. He is drunk. No one acts normal when they are drunk especially me. That's why I drink because drunk makes me more interesting. He leaves and I absolutely have a melt down. Picture a toddler in the toy aisle wailing. Yes literally that is me. It was a tantrum. A temper tantrum. I can say though, that I didn't punch a wall. I am beyond pissed. I call Harry. His phone is dead. I text him, no answer. ( duh drunk girl his phone is dead) and suddenly I realize my phone is going dead and I left my wall charger in his car. How am I supposed to send him messages about how pissed I am if my phones going dead. 

So. I get in my car and race to his house, and ring the bell about 3 times. He doesn't come to the door, I'm getting in my car and he appears at the door. I see him from the driveway and he's gorgeous in his underpants. Shit I'm almost not mad for a second. I simply say Harry unlock your car I need my charger. He does. I take it, I don't say a word, I get in my car and speed away. Yes smart, angry drunk girl driving. Very dumb. He emails. It says ...something like ... You sped away  i lost my phone  youre very angry and i dont want you to be upset ... He didnt know why i was angry. Thats because I'm a crazy bitch ! Idk when I saw it. Since I'm considered brilliant to some I'm sure it was not drunk angry and driving and checking emails all at the same time. No absolutely not. I agree I'm stupid as fuck. I just ate Taco Bell. I'm sure that I'm fine. So now I go back to bar, for what purpose idk. I'm red faced obviously crying drunk girl going to get her drink on. I have two, call the cab, and go home. In the interim sending Harry a rash of mean bitchy texts. 

So. Then it's the morning after. I tell my good friend the story, she puts it in perspective. (my god she always puts it in perspective) I realize why I freaked out, Harry would not bend to my will. You know what else I realized, that's part of the reason I love him. :). 

1 comment:

  1. Update: I wore out Prince Harry with my 1m texts per day. It's entirely my fault because he did not have unlimmited texting, and shared that fact with me, but my obsessive compulsive behavior interrupted reason and I continued to text his compulsively, as I do all the people in my life, to the point of sheer and utter exhaustion personally and financially.

    Note to self: Extraneous texting is a good tool to remove people from your life. You have to choose, can they put up with someone who is bat shit crazy or not? I think it's a good tool, and an exercise in honesty and transparency.

    That wasn't the only reason - people change and life goes on and only memories are left behind. In the best of cases they are sweet memories you hold on to forever. This is definitely the case for Prince Harry. xoxox