Monday, September 17, 2012


So. I’ve been following a Facebook page called IDATEDTHATDOUCHE.COM. At first it was funny, then it was hilarious, then it was discouraging, then it was just down right sad. If you haven’t seen the site it’s essentially meme cards that say mean/funny/rude things on them, and stories submitted by women and douchebags about their horrible dating life. Hey that sounds like my blog but here’s the difference. I mainly make fun of myself and its self-deprecating humor based on my bad decisions. This blog is purely man-hater material. I actually felt myself becoming more and more opposed to the male species the more I read it, then I was ovulating and all men became beautiful again. AH the beauty of hormones.
So. Since we are on the subject there should be a site called And with that being said, I’ll share with you a douchebag story about my first husband. God I hope he never reads this because I think he’s still in love with me. After all, who wouldn’t be!
So. In one of my past blogs I talk about how we met, how he was sterile, how we had lots of babies together, etc. That is the once upon a time part. Now comes the first couple of chapters. We met he was tall, dark and handsome and wore z cavarricci’s, plus he was a good kisser. I thought at the time that he was a good lover but I’ve been proven wrong since. VERY VERY wrong. But that is not the most important part of a relationship. At least that is what HE said. Literally.

So. I’m pregnant and my brother and sister-in law are getting married. It’s going to be a great affair at a fancy hotel on New Year’s Eve. By that time I’ll be big as a house because Baby #1 is due mid-January. Super exciting – especially since this is my favorite brother in the world. Albeit my only brother. My sister-in-law asks me to be her maid of honor. I was surprised and happy that she asked me. I tell my douchebag. I mean my husband. We talk about it. Being the cheap selfish bastard that he is, he is first worried about money. Second. He is jealous. Yes he is jealous that some Italian Stallion will come around and sweep his very pregnant wife off of her feet. I wish! So he manipulates me. Oh. You don’t want to do that. It’ll be awful outside, what if you have the baby early; you are going to be huge and uncomfortable. Then of course I buy into the garbage and say yes you are right dear, I will be an embarrassment to my sister-in-law. I don’t want to be an embarrassment to anyone. Incidentally he was very good at making me feel like I was an embarrassment and failure every day of my married life.
So. I call her and tell her and give her all the stupid excuses on why I am thankful she asked me, but it would be a bad decision and rationalize all of it. To this day I still feel like a big pile of poop for doing that – thank you very much. I married that douchebag.
Next chapter.                                                                                                                                                      
So. I go to the wedding, I didn’t look TOO bad, though I was probably 200 lbs. and I live through it. It was a great affair. I guess I thought about this event because I’m going to be staying at the same locale on Wednesday evening in Chicago. So. I have the baby and enjoy my 6 week vacation with him and return to work. I’m excited I love my job and everyone is glad to see me. I look great. Honestly. I’m 22 years old but that’s beside the fact. I am going about my business of catching up and settling down when my boss comes in and tells me there is a phone call for me. No one ever calls me at work. I pick up the phone in my boss’ office and its prince charming on the phone. Hi (Insert my name here) how is your first day back at work? Did you enjoy the roses that I sent you? I checked on our newborn son and his sitter and everything is going great. Would you like me to pickup dinner on the way home from my new job at the car dealership? I was so touched. Wait for it, Wait for it, Wait for it. That was bullshit and this blog is about REAL STORIES. This is how it went.
"Hi (insert my name here) I am the dealership and I need a ride home from work". I say “Why do you need a ride home, I’m working” Prince Charming says … "because I cannot work for these a-holes anymore and I told them to F off and I had to give my demo car back and I need a ride home". This was the introduction to my happily ever after, and after that, and after that, and after that. Same Story, Different Job. Touching isn’t it. If you are a masochist.

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