Thursday, October 18, 2012

I got good genes

A Story of Douchebaggery
 So I work with a guy who is, let’s just say he’s mentally challenged. And I don’t mean because he has something wrong with him. He is mentally challenged and a douchebag because he must have a very small penis, small brain, or gotten hit in the head to0 many times by people he offended.  I’m guessing the third.
This guy started about one year ago and although he still has learned basically nothing about how to do his job, he pretends to be all knowing and goes about his business of checking up on his coworkers to make sure they get things done, that our boss assigns, even though he is not the boss. Doesn’t sound that bad does it. But cumulatively, he aggravates me so much that I’m glad I’m not one to resort to physical violence, however verbal abuse is fair play. Here is an example of his douchebaggery.
Our boss tells us to move all of a certain report, for all of our customers, to another spot on our database. Essentially electronically move 50 files from one spot to another. It would take hours and it’s a very stupid exercise. With that being said we had until the end of September to do it. (I still haven’t done it) On September 10th douchebaggery comes to my desk and says, “Hey did you get all your files moved?” I say “Um. are you my boss? We have until the end of the month to do it. It’s only the 10th” he says “Well just checking, you’ve got to get it done” I’m like HELLO MYOFBDB !! (Mind your own fucking business Douchebag) WOW WOW WOW my blood starts boiling. (I still haven’t done it. WHY? Because he told me I had to)
Second example: He comes to my desk and says “Hey why were you out of the office yesterday” I say “none of your business” he laughs and I smile (because I’m at expert at bitchcraft) and say “I was sick DB, I had a  migraine all day” He says … “Sounds like the wineflu to me”  I think Duh dumb dumb I drink vodka. Grrr. From then on every time I’m sick he says I have wineflu. He’s putting nails in his coffin.
Third example: He comes to my desk (essentially he is at my desk at least 5x per day harassing  me) He says “hey, how was your weekend”  I say it was great. He says “So you got some strange?”  MIND YOU!! I have never talked about anything sexual with this mentally challenged douchebag! He should expect it when he least expects it. (Get Smart – literally)
Fourth example: Walks by my desk and says under his breath “Hey Hooker how you doing” And I say excuse me what did you say? He says “I just say hey hey how you doing” Uh huh. He shouldn’t walk in front of my car.
Fifth example: I say your parents must have been ugly because that is hereditary. He says what did you say? Terriditory? I say no ding dong, HEREDITERY. He says oh. They aren’t and neither am I, but it is not hereditary it’s genetic. (HA) I say it’s the same thing. I guess your parents were stupid too. He says … no genetics and heredity are two different things. I say no they aren’t. We are like 5 y/o now going back and forth. He walks away. As he does I say one of the meanest things I’ve ever said in my life … “Don’t get in an accident on the way home” he didn’t hear me. I think you can get fired for workplace violence. I wonder which is worse, sexual harassment or workplace violence?
So he leaves and I look it up. And apparently the study of heredity is called genetics. I sent him the proof via email (link and excerpt) and I said … Boom Farm Boy Wrong Again. Of course he doesn’t respond.
So with that being said, there is something to be said for good breeding and apparently his parents should not have had children. I know mean but true.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Crazy Dream

I have a sister, she obsessed with moving away and whenever things get stressful or overwhelming she would revert to the ‘I’m just packing up and moving away’ conversation. My sister is really eccentric. That's a nice way to say batshit crazy. I'm only eccentric. (Joking Sis) We have crazy ideas and verbalize them and people don’t think we are serious. But we usually are. Like her Kill List for example. No blog about that. Anyhow --- So over years and years and years she’s been driving me insane with the I’m moving scenario crazy dream. 
She reminds me of a visit to an elderly person and they tell you every single time that they see you, about their bunion, or their bedsore, or their heartburn whatever. But I would just smile at her and basically say …. OMG you’re just stressed out and you ramble about this when you want to escape. In my mind I would say … STFU I’m so tired of hearing this stupid bullshit story. But I love her I do.
Ironically, the other day, she said to me … "Hey will you stop! You already told me the x,y,z story 3x and I’m so tired of hearing it over and over again.(Mind you it was only about the 3rd time) it really drives me insane." And I just said something like ok sorry. Internal dialog said ... omg you are such a bunt. reminds with ... ha. Not nice. Needless to say EVERY SINGLE TIME I see her or talk to her, she repeats one of her stories … like years old stories. I used to kindheartedly let it go. Now, because I’m passive aggressive, I say … “I’m so sick and tired of hearing that story over and over again. It drives me insane” I’ve had the privilege of throwing it in her face about a dozen times in the few weeks that it’s been since she scolded me for boring stories. Ha payback is a bitch. It’s so fun to win. HA.
So I have a crazy moving dream too, and I’m going to move within 5 years to Italy. Why the 5 year mark? Because I want to be less than (Insert my age here)  when I move. There will at least be a slim chance of hope that I’ll have lost weight by then, gotten a facelift and boobs, and will  be totally hot.
Incidentally part one of the plan is in motion. I joined the health club. Sadly I didn’t make it to the gym today – that makes the 5th year in a row. (I stole that joke)  
With that being said the second part of the plan is the bring Prince Harry with me, for which I’d have to be totally hot, or if he declines – which I’m guessing he will because I’ll be nearly (insert age here +5)  by then and he will still be significantly younger .. .. plan b to part two is that I’ll go alone and meet some hot Italian guy who knows no English and can speak Italian to me while we are naked in bed. plan c is i'll go alone, send Prince Harry a shit ton of photos and packages until he just can't resist 'visiting' and then i'll steal his passport and clothes so he can never leave. (I say I wouldn't do that ...the stealing his passport part is totally inappropriate and wrong, the other part is totally socially acceptable to do in my book)
(I Blame all of this blog on Tourettes. I was telling my friend today that I really like diagnosing people, and since I present the diagnosis as if it were fact, I should really go back to school to get the credentials to back it up. Not gonna do it. Just saying.  Too bad I can’t diagnose myself … look a pony! )  
The first scenario is the favored one though. Just saying (Prince Harry)  And it’s a crazy story and people think I’m not going to do it, and I tell people every single day that I’m going to do it ---- and mark my words I’m going to do it. Unlike my sister I’m actually going to move somewhere fabulous. And then there will be bliss, and lots of walking by the ocean, great food, and sex.  Italy is conducive to sex, food, and walking. That’s just the way it is. It’s the way of the world. And music too. Yes music.
So do you sense some competition among sisters? Hell I’d like to write just about that today but I won’t. It would be a BOOK. Hmmm that’s an idea. Anyhow my crazy sister packed it up last week and moved somewhere fabulous too! I can’t believe that bitch beat me to it. She moved by the ocean. She’s a bitch on the beach and she one-upped me.  Healthy competition is good – or unhealthy as the case may be. This is just the inspiration that I needed to get my 5 year plan going --- full speed ahead. Italy here I come.